I also noticed this but couldn’t have put them into words - thank you for writing! Because of this, I don’t have social media presence. I also would dissect my audience’s reaction so rather than have that cloud of judgment while living, I don’t do the ritual at all. Though I agree with most points here, I feel there are some benefits - some of them do leave harmful relationships after being encouraged or pointed out by the audience, finding the courage they normally wouldn’t have.
Also, I do find many of the TikTok couples who AGREE to perform together for money or clout. I think the incentives are strong for them to perform as a sweet loving couple OR a red flag filled relationship. Which makes it hard for the audience to discern whether to live up to the fake standards or to call them out outraged.
This was a wonderful readdddd! I started and immediately thought of the orange peeling trend and did a loud hmmmmmmm once you referenced it! Thank you for putting this together!
The other day, I went for a walk without my phone and felt physical anxiety when I realized I was in a beautiful park in Japan and had no phone-- not because I would get lost or something, but really because I could not watch myself watching myself as I perceive others watch me. It's an addiction to me, the gratification from what sociologist Mead called "The Generalized Other", which is actually just myself. As I continued my walk, I kept circling on a phrase "the tether...the tether... the tether!" and realized how even outside, away from my phone, I felt this pull to it, like I had a world to return to (of course, no notifications when I did finally check my phone), there is so much pressure from a whole world of noise and people and words and sound and pictures, which live in our pockets! I do not even get to enjoy a walk, because really mind is there, in that digital world of noise. As you state, this phenomenon is not new per se (Mead writing in the 19th century, as well as Goffman- 20th century, another sociologist who wrote about the invisible audience we perform for) but it is the scale, speed and public nature of it all which makes it an unprecedented, new beast. I'm personally unsure of how to navigate it. I do not know how to negotiate my relationship to social media, as I am frankly unaware of what is left of my Self when I start to take away the invisible audience in my head. At times I feel more like a Concept than a Person.
I'm unsure of how to spend my free time or even give love without talking it over with the audience in my head, and then doing it for them-- which has resulted in shame and self disgust, as if something Sacred has been tarnished by the performance of it. Perhaps I will have to grant myself peace in this digital age, the performance will become a Ritual rather than Profane.... though I hope it does not. It really does feel like this digital self surveillance is Unholy, taking the world and spitting it back out to us and for us.
After thinking about my tether and spending more time on that walk away from my phone, getting my bearings in the Offline world and taking a deep breath, I told myself that I am going to practice keeping secrets from my phone. Taking long walks without it so it does not know how many steps I took that day. Using an alarm clock so it can't tell me when to wake up. Not taking pictures of my view (Susan Sontag writes quite succinctly about the nature of what is lost when you take a photo..)
You wrote what I was feeling so seamlessly and then some. A great analysis on the weird age we live in. Let's keep secrets from our phones!
it's so interesting to be able to dissect and understand human behavior and social patterns that occur in the online space, after years of not really knowing what the online space was and could cause. Growing up in the beginning of Instagram where we were all trekking uncharted waters was such a determining factor of how I viewed platonic or romantic relationships, and it's insane to see how it's evolved and escalated to the scale that it has. As a kid you're so impressionable (in the sense that you're still figuring out how the world works and therefore still building your critical thinking skills) and seeing relationships portrayed in this way, feeling the need to participate in the trends and "test" your partner, wanting to "perform" instead of experience the relationship- it's all very concerning!
Thank you for this really thought-provoking piece! I subscribed to your substack about a month or two ago and I've been really enjoying your work!
this is brilliant in so many ways. i think a note to add too is the way of relationship performance and relationship longing and even though there are all these performances that boost up the red flag-o-meter we all have in our heads and leaves others still demanding affection even if it’s the “wrong kind” duping people into staying or picking out of desperation because of what they have seen or consumed and have deemed creating this viscous cycle and desperation; needing validation, seeking it, getting needing the same validation you initially saw others seek.
The amalgamation of modern relationships and surveillance culture is so interesting and I love that you took a deep dive into this topic! I 100% agree that women are unfairly expected to do most of the emotional labor in relationships but I do wonder if the “boyfriend test” really reinforces those expectations. For the boyfriends that pass the test I can definitely see how the designing, executing and recording of the tests can be performative emotional labor that the woman has to do. But for the women whose boyfriends fail these “tests” the collective responses to dump him could be empowering (even if in an imperfect way).
Re: “we're not just watching a single moment of potential neglect — we're watching ourselves, our past hurts, our future fears."
Yes!! And I think that’s a good thing. It can be so easy to shrug off these small incidents as isolated and not a big deal or even, as you say, opportunities for growth. But why should women wait for that growth (which may never come)? Why should they be responsible for the emotional labor of growth and connection in their relationship if their male partner is not doing the same? I really think it’s okay for women to hold men to higher standards. Women are socialized from a such a young age to expect very little emotional labor from their male partners and expressing a desire for more connection, care or playfulness are weaponized against women to call them “nagging” and “hysterical”. Being told by an army of supporters online that is is okay to “dump him” if he doesn’t dance with you or peel your orange can be a way to subvert these expectations and give women the validation they need to leave unfulfilling relationships for what seem like trivial and isolated incidents. But that’s just it - I don’t think these incidents are isolated. I think the reason this trend is so popular is because it captures what many women instinctively feel from their male partners - small signs of neglect that build up over time.
"We're not just performing our relationships; we're performing their potential failure, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy where looking for red flags ensures we'll find them"
Yes, love requires emotional labor and care from both partners but to characterize this trend as a self-fulfilling prophecy of a relationship doomed to fail, I think, doesn’t take into account the dynamics of a patriarchal relationship that consistently advantages the male partner’s needs over the woman’s. It’s not just about love, it’s about a system that essentially steals women’s labor and takes them for granted. Of course these tests are far from perfect and continue to uphold cis-het relationships as the “gold standard” but I do they think they reveal some of the inherent inequalities in almost all cis-het relationships that women routinely put up with and they help bring those inequities (in whatever limited way digital trends allow) into our collective knowledge about relationships.
Anyway sorry for the long comment but this was really such a thought-provoking essay!! I look forward to reading more of your work! :)
I can't believe how beta so many guys are. I wouldn't have tolerated this when I was younger and wouldn't tolerate it now. If someone were broadcasting our private time to their friends, social media or no, they'd be excised from my life in no time flat.
I agree that the dancing test, for instance, is a performative and superficial way of assessing compatibility, but I do wonder if there is any truth to the whole thing? Even if these tests are flawed, they emerged and evolved as a way to protect the more historically vulnerable party. Like, I wonder how much these men's response (joining in the dance, smiling, scowling, etc.) would actually change if a camera was not present? I think, often times (either intrinsically or because of conditioning) women are more expressive, they tend to emulate those around them to create a sense of mutual comfort whereas men can be more insular and less socially attuned. In which case, is there an aspect of the dancing test that reveals some truth, one that allows women to detect ambivalence or avoidance? On the flip side, the guy just might be shy or more inhibited or reluctant to dance or perform for the camera...but even then, arguably, he could crack a smile?
I also totally agree with your assessment of these female-driven tests exacerbating anxieties of male emotional engagement and investment in relationships, especially that they reinforce "scripts where women are emotional laborers and men are reluctant participants". This kind of TikTok pop-feminist or misandry speak is often leveraged in a way that drives men and women further apart. But at its core, as you say, its intention is to collectively protect women in a difficult dating landscape. I think this is because they are frustrated and confused, trying to decipher why at this point in time, the drive towards a more equitable, progressive dynamic has resulted in them doing more labor (emotional, financial, domestic, etc.). I'm hopeful that this will be remedied over time but I think during this transitional period, a lot of the work remains on women's shoulders and they are wondering if in renouncing traditional gender roles, the amount required of them in heterosexual relationships has paradoxically expanded.
So even if there is a disconnect between intention and execution and these tests are imperfect, I think it's still possible that they are mobilizing women to uphold a higher standard in their relationships? You mention that the comments sections full of "dump him" and "you deserve better" embody "entrenched assumptions about women being responsible for men's emotional education" but I wonder if it actually does the opposite? In reducing things to binaries, maybe it empowers women to not feel obliged to do that labor and fix men and simply leave the relationship instead. While this does not allow for growth and connection in the moment, I wonder if, over time, it can lead to collective progress whereby men are forced to reevaluate how they show up in relationships? Then again, if you're a heterosexual woman desiring a relationship, "decentralizing men" may not be the fastest way to a romantic partnership.
Re: "We're no longer evaluating relationships in isolation but through a kaleidoscope of accumulated heartbreaks, where every small gesture carries the weight of every relationship that ever disappointed us."
I feel like as women we are constantly parsing our individual frustrations with our facticity? How much is this an issue between two people with different dispositions versus something informed by history and conditioning? Men think about gender less because they have the privilege not to - as a woman it is impossible to accurately and fully disentangle your perception of your relationship from a broader context, to fear self-erasure or oppression, etc. The deep-seated anxiety that protects us also may not be serving us. I think the challenge lies in knowing when and for whom we should let it slip away in favor of intimacy and mutual understanding.
what a brilliant read! i once took a chance and tried asking the internet anonymously about my relationship problems, and just like with these tiktoks, the response was filled with "dump him". whether or not it is applicable advice is one thing, but i think what is usually missing in those public tests and showcases of relationships is the context that the online audience doesn't know, but pretend like they do
I also noticed this but couldn’t have put them into words - thank you for writing! Because of this, I don’t have social media presence. I also would dissect my audience’s reaction so rather than have that cloud of judgment while living, I don’t do the ritual at all. Though I agree with most points here, I feel there are some benefits - some of them do leave harmful relationships after being encouraged or pointed out by the audience, finding the courage they normally wouldn’t have.
Also, I do find many of the TikTok couples who AGREE to perform together for money or clout. I think the incentives are strong for them to perform as a sweet loving couple OR a red flag filled relationship. Which makes it hard for the audience to discern whether to live up to the fake standards or to call them out outraged.
Thanks for the thought provoking article :)
Holy shit this slaps
This was a wonderful readdddd! I started and immediately thought of the orange peeling trend and did a loud hmmmmmmm once you referenced it! Thank you for putting this together!
The other day, I went for a walk without my phone and felt physical anxiety when I realized I was in a beautiful park in Japan and had no phone-- not because I would get lost or something, but really because I could not watch myself watching myself as I perceive others watch me. It's an addiction to me, the gratification from what sociologist Mead called "The Generalized Other", which is actually just myself. As I continued my walk, I kept circling on a phrase "the tether...the tether... the tether!" and realized how even outside, away from my phone, I felt this pull to it, like I had a world to return to (of course, no notifications when I did finally check my phone), there is so much pressure from a whole world of noise and people and words and sound and pictures, which live in our pockets! I do not even get to enjoy a walk, because really mind is there, in that digital world of noise. As you state, this phenomenon is not new per se (Mead writing in the 19th century, as well as Goffman- 20th century, another sociologist who wrote about the invisible audience we perform for) but it is the scale, speed and public nature of it all which makes it an unprecedented, new beast. I'm personally unsure of how to navigate it. I do not know how to negotiate my relationship to social media, as I am frankly unaware of what is left of my Self when I start to take away the invisible audience in my head. At times I feel more like a Concept than a Person.
I'm unsure of how to spend my free time or even give love without talking it over with the audience in my head, and then doing it for them-- which has resulted in shame and self disgust, as if something Sacred has been tarnished by the performance of it. Perhaps I will have to grant myself peace in this digital age, the performance will become a Ritual rather than Profane.... though I hope it does not. It really does feel like this digital self surveillance is Unholy, taking the world and spitting it back out to us and for us.
After thinking about my tether and spending more time on that walk away from my phone, getting my bearings in the Offline world and taking a deep breath, I told myself that I am going to practice keeping secrets from my phone. Taking long walks without it so it does not know how many steps I took that day. Using an alarm clock so it can't tell me when to wake up. Not taking pictures of my view (Susan Sontag writes quite succinctly about the nature of what is lost when you take a photo..)
You wrote what I was feeling so seamlessly and then some. A great analysis on the weird age we live in. Let's keep secrets from our phones!
it's so interesting to be able to dissect and understand human behavior and social patterns that occur in the online space, after years of not really knowing what the online space was and could cause. Growing up in the beginning of Instagram where we were all trekking uncharted waters was such a determining factor of how I viewed platonic or romantic relationships, and it's insane to see how it's evolved and escalated to the scale that it has. As a kid you're so impressionable (in the sense that you're still figuring out how the world works and therefore still building your critical thinking skills) and seeing relationships portrayed in this way, feeling the need to participate in the trends and "test" your partner, wanting to "perform" instead of experience the relationship- it's all very concerning!
Thank you for this really thought-provoking piece! I subscribed to your substack about a month or two ago and I've been really enjoying your work!
this is brilliant in so many ways. i think a note to add too is the way of relationship performance and relationship longing and even though there are all these performances that boost up the red flag-o-meter we all have in our heads and leaves others still demanding affection even if it’s the “wrong kind” duping people into staying or picking out of desperation because of what they have seen or consumed and have deemed creating this viscous cycle and desperation; needing validation, seeking it, getting needing the same validation you initially saw others seek.
The amalgamation of modern relationships and surveillance culture is so interesting and I love that you took a deep dive into this topic! I 100% agree that women are unfairly expected to do most of the emotional labor in relationships but I do wonder if the “boyfriend test” really reinforces those expectations. For the boyfriends that pass the test I can definitely see how the designing, executing and recording of the tests can be performative emotional labor that the woman has to do. But for the women whose boyfriends fail these “tests” the collective responses to dump him could be empowering (even if in an imperfect way).
Re: “we're not just watching a single moment of potential neglect — we're watching ourselves, our past hurts, our future fears."
Yes!! And I think that’s a good thing. It can be so easy to shrug off these small incidents as isolated and not a big deal or even, as you say, opportunities for growth. But why should women wait for that growth (which may never come)? Why should they be responsible for the emotional labor of growth and connection in their relationship if their male partner is not doing the same? I really think it’s okay for women to hold men to higher standards. Women are socialized from a such a young age to expect very little emotional labor from their male partners and expressing a desire for more connection, care or playfulness are weaponized against women to call them “nagging” and “hysterical”. Being told by an army of supporters online that is is okay to “dump him” if he doesn’t dance with you or peel your orange can be a way to subvert these expectations and give women the validation they need to leave unfulfilling relationships for what seem like trivial and isolated incidents. But that’s just it - I don’t think these incidents are isolated. I think the reason this trend is so popular is because it captures what many women instinctively feel from their male partners - small signs of neglect that build up over time.
"We're not just performing our relationships; we're performing their potential failure, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy where looking for red flags ensures we'll find them"
Yes, love requires emotional labor and care from both partners but to characterize this trend as a self-fulfilling prophecy of a relationship doomed to fail, I think, doesn’t take into account the dynamics of a patriarchal relationship that consistently advantages the male partner’s needs over the woman’s. It’s not just about love, it’s about a system that essentially steals women’s labor and takes them for granted. Of course these tests are far from perfect and continue to uphold cis-het relationships as the “gold standard” but I do they think they reveal some of the inherent inequalities in almost all cis-het relationships that women routinely put up with and they help bring those inequities (in whatever limited way digital trends allow) into our collective knowledge about relationships.
Anyway sorry for the long comment but this was really such a thought-provoking essay!! I look forward to reading more of your work! :)
This was amazingly crafted. It works as a parallel to the song Facebook Story by Frank Ocean. How couples can react to their love being carved online.
this is beautiful
Might just be your best Substack yet
Nailed everything, put it in an article format and sell to a magazine, this is the stuff we should be seeing!! Well done🩷!
What a brilliant essay!
I can't believe how beta so many guys are. I wouldn't have tolerated this when I was younger and wouldn't tolerate it now. If someone were broadcasting our private time to their friends, social media or no, they'd be excised from my life in no time flat.
"digital colosseum" is an expression so perfect i said "yessss!" out loud in my kitchen alone
Such a brilliant essay! Love your writing.
I agree that the dancing test, for instance, is a performative and superficial way of assessing compatibility, but I do wonder if there is any truth to the whole thing? Even if these tests are flawed, they emerged and evolved as a way to protect the more historically vulnerable party. Like, I wonder how much these men's response (joining in the dance, smiling, scowling, etc.) would actually change if a camera was not present? I think, often times (either intrinsically or because of conditioning) women are more expressive, they tend to emulate those around them to create a sense of mutual comfort whereas men can be more insular and less socially attuned. In which case, is there an aspect of the dancing test that reveals some truth, one that allows women to detect ambivalence or avoidance? On the flip side, the guy just might be shy or more inhibited or reluctant to dance or perform for the camera...but even then, arguably, he could crack a smile?
I also totally agree with your assessment of these female-driven tests exacerbating anxieties of male emotional engagement and investment in relationships, especially that they reinforce "scripts where women are emotional laborers and men are reluctant participants". This kind of TikTok pop-feminist or misandry speak is often leveraged in a way that drives men and women further apart. But at its core, as you say, its intention is to collectively protect women in a difficult dating landscape. I think this is because they are frustrated and confused, trying to decipher why at this point in time, the drive towards a more equitable, progressive dynamic has resulted in them doing more labor (emotional, financial, domestic, etc.). I'm hopeful that this will be remedied over time but I think during this transitional period, a lot of the work remains on women's shoulders and they are wondering if in renouncing traditional gender roles, the amount required of them in heterosexual relationships has paradoxically expanded.
So even if there is a disconnect between intention and execution and these tests are imperfect, I think it's still possible that they are mobilizing women to uphold a higher standard in their relationships? You mention that the comments sections full of "dump him" and "you deserve better" embody "entrenched assumptions about women being responsible for men's emotional education" but I wonder if it actually does the opposite? In reducing things to binaries, maybe it empowers women to not feel obliged to do that labor and fix men and simply leave the relationship instead. While this does not allow for growth and connection in the moment, I wonder if, over time, it can lead to collective progress whereby men are forced to reevaluate how they show up in relationships? Then again, if you're a heterosexual woman desiring a relationship, "decentralizing men" may not be the fastest way to a romantic partnership.
Re: "We're no longer evaluating relationships in isolation but through a kaleidoscope of accumulated heartbreaks, where every small gesture carries the weight of every relationship that ever disappointed us."
I feel like as women we are constantly parsing our individual frustrations with our facticity? How much is this an issue between two people with different dispositions versus something informed by history and conditioning? Men think about gender less because they have the privilege not to - as a woman it is impossible to accurately and fully disentangle your perception of your relationship from a broader context, to fear self-erasure or oppression, etc. The deep-seated anxiety that protects us also may not be serving us. I think the challenge lies in knowing when and for whom we should let it slip away in favor of intimacy and mutual understanding.
Also, feel like you'd appreciate this:
https://tracyclarkflory.substack.com/p/women-like-men-too-much?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email
what a brilliant read! i once took a chance and tried asking the internet anonymously about my relationship problems, and just like with these tiktoks, the response was filled with "dump him". whether or not it is applicable advice is one thing, but i think what is usually missing in those public tests and showcases of relationships is the context that the online audience doesn't know, but pretend like they do