Not to be dramatic but this article changed my life!!! Like yes I WILL speak how I want and sorry if it makes you uncomfortable! It's refreshing to see someone articulate these experiences so thoughtfully—thank you for giving voice to what so many of us feel!
This is beautifully written! And so relatable also as a queer fem man in academia. It’s making me think about how “masculine” speech patterns are sort of like short bursts of the most compacted, dense version of a thought, trying to be as efficient and “intelligent” as possible. One might say it’s imbued with an inherently hierarchical air, like it is speech that *assumes* it will have to fight for space. It is spoken from a place of emotional lack. It does not want to leave room for the possibility of interjection because it considers being listened to at a premium. I think this is reflective of how men feel that no one will want to listen to them, to hold them, because men “don’t need that” yada yada…. ironically - it makes them speak MORE lol
This is why when I would be saying something in class and trail off and honestly just try to think intentionally about the next thing I wanted to say I’d become nervous. There was this sense I wasn’t “supposed to”. But feminine speech patterns, as you’re pointing to, are often just patterns that leave space for others to feel comfortable, or reassure a space that there is room for other options. That scares men who are used to existing in a space of lack as opposed to the abundance of the divine feminine ❤️🔥
But as I started to become more comfortable with taking up space as a feminine person in those spaces I would intentionally pause and force the men in the room to pause with me. Looking around at them slowly, daring someone to interrupt 😇 It’s interesting the dance between self-confidence, oppressive social dynamics and self-sabotage…like one can never truly know how much of any of those things is at work and THATS the real mindfuck//destructive force of patriarchy.
Thx for this inspiring read and the food for thought today (:
this was written so well, so clearly, and with a perfect dose of humor. although, i wonder if there's a chicken and egg situation going on - do women use "just" and "i think" because society has battered them down over the years to have lower confidence in their opinions or do women come across as being less confident because they use "just" and "i think"?
"language isn’t just about making arguments or conveying information succinctly. Ultimately, isn't the goal of communication to connect, to understand and be understood? If so, maybe it's time we start valuing clarity over authority, and connection over command."
THANK YOU for saying it! There is so much nuance to language beyond just argument-evidence or path A to B of knowledge, and the repositories of knowledge inherent in those gaps and deviations from societal norms can implicitly say more than anything explicit ever could, if you take a closer look. The journey/expression/path/dance of language is often the point itself (see: poetry, literature, gen z/lgbt+ vernacular, memes, song lyrics, even aave). And add on a giant layer of misogyny, strategic silencing of women via every single means possible — everything is criticized if it doesn't align to the normative structures of power.
I feel like people will just find any excuse not to listen to a woman. If it's not attacking her authority, then it's attacking her speech patterns. Like I said in my previous comment, we just can't win no matter what we do. Even if we become male-like, in the words of Toni Morrison, we are still not taken seriously because we're supposed to perform femininity at all times and in all situations. I'm naturally soft-spoken, and I've had people trying to change the way I talk my whole life; it's fucking exhausting to put it lightly.
Loved reading this because I often waste so much time cherry picking my words at work to the point where I find myself scripting out what I have to say before a call so I can sound confident and authoritative, but really it’s the same stuff I would’ve said anyway with more likes and justs.
Everything feels so restricted at times so reading this made me realise I don’t have to blindly subscribe and adapt to someone else’s rules. Thank you for writing this!
hmm i'm reading the beginning of this and my initial comment is i'm not sure... i was in speech and debate in high school and delivery is something they teach to everyone; it's part of being a good speaker, like how being on pitch is part of being a good singer. some things, like sounding confident, seem to be universally more pleasant to listen to in most situations. i used to say "just" all the time and say everything like a question and i think it genuinely did detract from my message because it sounded like i didn't even believe what i was saying. but i agree good delivery shouldn't mean masculine delivery (e.x. vocal fry is sometimes singled out as "a thing women do," but i don't think it inherently detracts and personally really like it.)
basically i totally agree we can't just say good delivery = big, booming, loud, commanding, succint man voice, and we should expand our idea of what good delivery is to include some really great things like women's checks for understanding ("does that make sense?") but i dont think that means we shouldnt try to refine and improve our own unique voices. kinda like how artists want to improve their skills while retaining their unique styles.
Not to be dramatic but this article changed my life!!! Like yes I WILL speak how I want and sorry if it makes you uncomfortable! It's refreshing to see someone articulate these experiences so thoughtfully—thank you for giving voice to what so many of us feel!
This is beautifully written! And so relatable also as a queer fem man in academia. It’s making me think about how “masculine” speech patterns are sort of like short bursts of the most compacted, dense version of a thought, trying to be as efficient and “intelligent” as possible. One might say it’s imbued with an inherently hierarchical air, like it is speech that *assumes* it will have to fight for space. It is spoken from a place of emotional lack. It does not want to leave room for the possibility of interjection because it considers being listened to at a premium. I think this is reflective of how men feel that no one will want to listen to them, to hold them, because men “don’t need that” yada yada…. ironically - it makes them speak MORE lol
This is why when I would be saying something in class and trail off and honestly just try to think intentionally about the next thing I wanted to say I’d become nervous. There was this sense I wasn’t “supposed to”. But feminine speech patterns, as you’re pointing to, are often just patterns that leave space for others to feel comfortable, or reassure a space that there is room for other options. That scares men who are used to existing in a space of lack as opposed to the abundance of the divine feminine ❤️🔥
But as I started to become more comfortable with taking up space as a feminine person in those spaces I would intentionally pause and force the men in the room to pause with me. Looking around at them slowly, daring someone to interrupt 😇 It’s interesting the dance between self-confidence, oppressive social dynamics and self-sabotage…like one can never truly know how much of any of those things is at work and THATS the real mindfuck//destructive force of patriarchy.
Thx for this inspiring read and the food for thought today (:
Wow. Love this. I truly wrote a scene in my play today where a woman corrected the way another woman spoke. A subtle cruelty. So this resonates.
that "Does that make sense?" was some real good icing on the cake i mean FUCK
This!!
this was written so well, so clearly, and with a perfect dose of humor. although, i wonder if there's a chicken and egg situation going on - do women use "just" and "i think" because society has battered them down over the years to have lower confidence in their opinions or do women come across as being less confident because they use "just" and "i think"?
"language isn’t just about making arguments or conveying information succinctly. Ultimately, isn't the goal of communication to connect, to understand and be understood? If so, maybe it's time we start valuing clarity over authority, and connection over command."
THANK YOU for saying it! There is so much nuance to language beyond just argument-evidence or path A to B of knowledge, and the repositories of knowledge inherent in those gaps and deviations from societal norms can implicitly say more than anything explicit ever could, if you take a closer look. The journey/expression/path/dance of language is often the point itself (see: poetry, literature, gen z/lgbt+ vernacular, memes, song lyrics, even aave). And add on a giant layer of misogyny, strategic silencing of women via every single means possible — everything is criticized if it doesn't align to the normative structures of power.
Women with soft voices are critiqued; women with vocal fry are critiqued; women with deep voices are critiqued. We just can't win, can we? 😭
I feel like people will just find any excuse not to listen to a woman. If it's not attacking her authority, then it's attacking her speech patterns. Like I said in my previous comment, we just can't win no matter what we do. Even if we become male-like, in the words of Toni Morrison, we are still not taken seriously because we're supposed to perform femininity at all times and in all situations. I'm naturally soft-spoken, and I've had people trying to change the way I talk my whole life; it's fucking exhausting to put it lightly.
I honestly don’t think I can stop saying “Does that make sense?” after articulating something. What a great read, as always.
Aghhh I was gonna say the same thing, this post changed my life
Loved this!
Loved reading this because I often waste so much time cherry picking my words at work to the point where I find myself scripting out what I have to say before a call so I can sound confident and authoritative, but really it’s the same stuff I would’ve said anyway with more likes and justs.
Everything feels so restricted at times so reading this made me realise I don’t have to blindly subscribe and adapt to someone else’s rules. Thank you for writing this!
yes to the performative professionalism LOL at college i am like. why are we all speaking this way
Epically POC women who talk “eloquently”!! Some of us when to private school. Leave us alone!!
hmm i'm reading the beginning of this and my initial comment is i'm not sure... i was in speech and debate in high school and delivery is something they teach to everyone; it's part of being a good speaker, like how being on pitch is part of being a good singer. some things, like sounding confident, seem to be universally more pleasant to listen to in most situations. i used to say "just" all the time and say everything like a question and i think it genuinely did detract from my message because it sounded like i didn't even believe what i was saying. but i agree good delivery shouldn't mean masculine delivery (e.x. vocal fry is sometimes singled out as "a thing women do," but i don't think it inherently detracts and personally really like it.)
basically i totally agree we can't just say good delivery = big, booming, loud, commanding, succint man voice, and we should expand our idea of what good delivery is to include some really great things like women's checks for understanding ("does that make sense?") but i dont think that means we shouldnt try to refine and improve our own unique voices. kinda like how artists want to improve their skills while retaining their unique styles.
Last sentence was the perfect combination of callback and driving the point home. Love it.
Couldn’t agree more. So glad that this is here and articulated so beautifully